I think I’ve gone and lost myself

I have a great life, don’t get me wrong. I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend whom I am currently living with. I am surrounded by amazing family and friends who are supportive of all the artsy projects I invest myself in. I have a roof over my head, I have a bed in which I can lay, I have a healthy body, and I have the means to take care of this body. I look at this body every day and I never think about it. And I mean really think about it. Do I feel beautiful? Yes! Do I love the body I was given? Yes! Do I feel like I’m taking good care of my body, that I am treating it right? Hell yes! But today I just realized that I don’t know if I recognize myself inside that body.

I used to be unhappy, and it took me a long time to realize why. Hell, I’m still not actually sure why, although I have a good idea. I was settling. I told myself I would never settle for less than what I deserved. But sometimes it’s hard to recognize that you’re settling, that where you are now isn’t where you should be. It’s hard to look at yourself, to look at your life, and answer the question ‘Am I happy?’ Sometimes the lines are all blurry because life happens, and it’s not always rainbows and sunshine. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is. And it’s so beautiful when moments like that happen. They should be cherished. But there’s always negativity to compensate for the positivity in life. I’m not saying that pessimistically, but rather I’m saying that realistically. For every action, there is an equal opposite reaction. I believe that to be true of happiness and sadness, positive and negative. It’s like yin and yang, when you get right down to it. Except I guess they aren’t equal; not always. Sometimes life is unbalanced, and that can be scary. But it can also be exhilarating.

One question I’ve been asking myself is whether or not – or rather, to what degree – we control our reaction to life’s ups and downs. We have a great array of choices. For example, we can choose to look at things in a positive light. Some people are like that, always seeing the best of every situation. Others, however, will choose to see the negativity of every circumstance and bring that to the forefront. And then there’s the third option of simply not choosing.

My whole life, I’ve thought of myself as a go-getter, as someone who thrives for greatness and nothing less. I am able and capable of accomplishing great things and my hard work and dedication are what drive me to continuously better myself. But what if all I’m doing is simply occupying my time with meaningless things? What if, deep down, I’m keeping busy so that I don’t have to choose? And that thought scares me.

But today is the day that I’m choosing not to be scared. Today is a day of awakening. Today I see myself for who I am. Today I look at my life with eyes wide open and I am aware of everything around me, of all the possibilities and especially of all the opportunities. Today I choose happiness.

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