Yesterday I got upset. Really upset. I made plans to attend a really special event out of town, and I was so excited for Max to come with me and meet some of my friends for the first time -they live in Africa, so it’s not an every day occurrence!
Then, just as I was about to finish work and head home to pack the car, I receive a text from Max.
“Turns out I’m working tomorrow.”
You wanna know how to hurt my feelings? Make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute. It kills me, every single time. Even when I know it’s going to happen, I can’t avoid the disappointment and heart-sinking feeling. Every. Single. Time.
But as upset as it makes me, I know there is no one to blame. Things happen. Work happens. And the fact is, my significant other works an on-call job, so this is bound to happen anytime of the year. And yet here I am, feeling the exact same way as if it were happening for the first time.
Because there is no one to blame, I can’t help but feel like my emotions are unjustified. Why am I upset? Why can’t I accept that this is our reality, that not everything is going to go according to plan? And worst of all, why do I feel like dumping all of my anger out on the person I love the most?
Apparently, it’s a thing – getting mad at someone you care about because you can’t think rationally about what’s actually bothering you. Or you don’t want to admit it.
It’s called displaced aggression.
For the past little while, I’ve been working on being more conscious about why I feel a certain way, especially when it’s a negative feeling. I try my best to get to the root of the problem, to talk about that, to not assign blame, to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. I am continuously working on becoming the best version of myself that I can be, primarily in regards to my relationships.
I feel like there’s been definitive progress, because just a few years ago, every time I would get upset, I couldn’t figure out how to calm down, how to talk rationally, and most importantly how to fix things. I’m getting to know myself better and becoming aware of what I need, when I need it. Sometimes I need alone time. Sometimes I really need someone’s support. And sometimes the thing that I need most isn’t what my significant other needs, so there’s the whole added aspect of respecting that other people have important needs too, and sometimes those needs have to be a priority even when I’m upset.
That was a hard lesson to learn.
And today, I’m reminded of all the hard work I’ve put into myself.
I just finished doing a video of Yoga with Adriene called Practice Peace. I had a hard time concentrating, and I had no cat to cuddle with as I am not home. But as the video went on, I did my best to focus on my breathe, be aware of my how my body is feeling, and respect my body’s limits. The video was almost over when I finally found myself in a good state of mind. At that precise moment, Adriene repeated the mantra of this practice.
Everything is as it should be.
Yesterday, I got upset. Really upset. But today is a new day, and I will learn and grow from every experience, and for that, I am thankful.